I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
Randomize
