the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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