I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
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