you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
