No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
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