Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
