Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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