Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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