I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
