we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
