i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
