I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
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