dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
