made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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