he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
Randomize
