She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
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