I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
This is classic penis vs brain.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
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