my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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