Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
Randomize
