my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I still have a little drunk in my system
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Randomize
