i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
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