I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
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