When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Randomize
