just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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