The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
