i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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