I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
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