No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
We left the knife in your bed.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Randomize
