my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Randomize
