Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
