Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Randomize
