Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
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