The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
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