Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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