I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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