at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
So apparently I’m into choking now
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
