I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
Randomize
