it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
