There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Randomize
