I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Operation Purity has been aborted
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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