i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
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Sacagawea was the original milf.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
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