i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
