At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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