Dude my mom stole all your condoms
ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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