i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Randomize
