dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Life is so much better after having sex.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Randomize
