I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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