Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.
did he notice?
of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Randomize
