dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Randomize
