if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
She told me I should be a condom model.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
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