What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
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