"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Randomize
