Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
