Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
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