girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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