this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Randomize
