How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
