So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
Randomize
