is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
