my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
Randomize
